how could you be so heartless
by amongcloudz
Summary: college au: She wanted to get through first year at Penn State with minimal distractions so she could focus on what was most important to her, art. Everything seemed to be going just as planned, that is, until pale-green eyes met hers and started to show up at every corner. Clarke thought she had heard of every tragic past there is until now, but she had no idea.
1. how life can turn

_September 2015, present day_

Her stomach was turning and Clarke couldn't distinguish whether it was fear or excitement she was feeling. Move in day was already a disaster, Abby seemed to be having an internal meltdown and that was definitely not making Clarke feel any better.

"Clarke I know you're capable of lifting things on your own, but please, don't argue with me, just let me do this," she said defensively.

Clarke doesn't fight her and decides to stay silent as she pressed the button to the thirteenth floor. They were in the elevator with a horde of messily taped boxes piled around their feet. How they managed to take all of Clarke's things in one trip up to her dorm, she had no idea.

"I just realized how screwed I'd be if the elevator stopped working, being on such a high floor doesn't exactly have its perks." Clarke muttered.

"Hopefully the view is worth it. And Clarke, you haven't met your roommate, right?" Abby asked.

"Uh no, I haven't. But I'm assuming they're already here considering how late we are." Clarke was actually really looking forward to sharing her room with somebody for a change, being the only child of a single mother got pretty lonely.

The doors opened and Clarke used her feet to push some of the boxes out of the elevator doors while holding another large box. Abby followed behind as she tried to maneuver her daughter's belongings around people walking by.

"Okay so the room is 1303 so it should be just down this hall." Clarke said under her breath, but mostly to herself.

"Hey! Sorry I didn't mean to eavesdrop but 1303 is actually down the hall to your left." Abby and Clarke both turned around to see that the voice had come from a head peering out the door behind them.

"I couldn't make it more obvious that it's my first time being here," Clarke spoke. "Thanks for steering us in the right direction."

The figure had left the doorway and made his way towards Clarke, "It's no problem, I figured you'd have wanted to know before dragging all your stuff the opposite way." The boy smiled genuinely and stuck his hand out. "Name's Jasper, welcome to the floor."

"Clarke," She reached out and shook his hand firmly. "I'm sure I'll be seeing you around." She turned on her heel and sighed when she noticed her mom had already left.

"It was nice to meet you, but if you'll excuse me I have to go find my mother before she makes friends for me."

"Cool! Well you know where to find me, good luck with your mom and settling in I guess." Jasper smiled a toothy grin and walked back towards his room.

Clarke started to head towards her dorm and saw the door open when she came into view of 1303. She didn't see Abby outside so it was safe to assume she was already inside. Making her way through the wooden doorframe, she saw three figures in the room with her. One being her mother and two other girls she didn't recognize.

"I didn't even need to be here you know, the least you could do is thank me for helping." A girl with dark hair and a tanned complexion was lying on a bed with her hands behind her head.

"You literally picked up two boxes and have been lying on my bed for the past hour, but thank you so much for your presence." The other girl replied sarcastically, she had intricate braids on either side of her head.

"Girls, if it helps, my daughter is going to be here any minute so you guys can all help each other out." Abby walked over to them, back facing the door.

No one had realized Clarke was still standing by the entrance until she cleared her throat awkwardly. The three women looked towards her with different expressions.

"Oh good you're here. I'll let you do your introductions, just pretend I'm not here." Abby gave the girls a smile and resumed her place by the emptier side of the room, starting to unpack the boxes.

The girl who was lying on the bed opposite to hers got up and made her way to Clarke, "Hey, I'm Raven. Sorry about her," she pointed her thumb behind her, "she's on her period."

"Raven, I swear to god."

"I'm Clarke, nice to meet you. Sorry but I have to ask, which one of you is actually my roommate here?"

"That would be me," The other girl had appeared beside Raven and stepped forward to politely offer her hand to Clarke. "I'm Octavia, I promise I'm less of a pain in the ass than this one here."

She grabbed her hand and noticed the firm shake she was given in return. Clarke gave her a small smile; her demeanour was genuine.

"Looks like you're more or less unpacked." Clarke said walking towards her side of the room, joining Abby with a small smile. She began to rifle through her stuff and started to empty the box which read "ART" in sharpie.

"Yeah, I figured I would get here early before it got too crowded. Raven already moved in last week because God knows she's such a keener."

"A keener with 6.0 GPA who can't afford to fuck anything up, mechanical engineering isn't exactly easy, Octavia," Raven replied annoyed, walking back to the disheveled bed. Abby turned around and gave a look to the relaxed girl when she heard the profanity leave her mouth.

"My bad Ms. Griffin, I'm not exactly ladylike when it comes to speaking." She replied with a smirk.

"Mechanical engineering? That sounds intense." Clarke was putting away her brushes, when Octavia piped in, "what about you?"

Clarke hid her growing smile, "Visual arts, it's my passion, really."

"What kind of art?" Raven turned on the bed and leaned up on her elbow to face the blonde.

"The visual kind, what do you think Raven?" Octavia rolled her eyes.

Clarke was actually enjoying the banter between the two girls she just met, it was pretty amusing, and it made her feel less out of place.

"O, do us all a favour, take a Midol and stop being hormonal." The tan girl had reached over into a bag and grabbed a pillbox then threw it towards Octavia. She caught it in a swift motion and swore under her breath.

"Sorry, you were saying?"

A chuckle escaped Clarke's lips before she could stop it and internally scolded herself. "Well, I mostly draw but I paint as well. It's the only thing that keeps me sane to be honest."

Raven just nodded, "Boxing is that for me. It's been keeping me stable. When I'm pissed off I just go to the gym and punch stuff, it's pretty ideal."

Clarke had finished arranging her art supplies on her desk, and took a seat on the chair in front of her. Abby was putting sheets on the bed, and for a minute she had forgotten about her being there.

"Octavia, I'm sorry I didn't ask, but what are you studying?"

She mirrored Clarke's seating at her desk, looking up from her phone with an unreadable expression, "Psychology. The mind fascinates me, I want to learn the reasoning behind everything we do, and why."

"I have a psych lecture every Tuesday and Thursday actually," Clarke said with a hint of a smile.

"1010 with Kane?!" The girl shifted her focus from her phone to Clarke.

"Yeah! Tell me you're in that class." She pleaded.

"Oh hell yes! That's a relief, now you can take notes for me whenever I want to sleep in," Octavia paused, "Why are 8am classes even a thing?"

Abby broke her silence after making Clarke's bed and took a seat on the single bed with a tired sigh, "That's college for you, have fun ladies."

The three girls groaned in unison at the realization of early wake ups, and then fell into a relaxed laughter at how ridiculous they sounded. Clarke wore a genuine smile, she already felt like things were going the way they were supposed to.

* * *

It was Thursday already, and Clarke thought the first week was going pretty well. She was walking out of class with Octavia trailing behind her. Clarke was taking tentative steps as she typed on her phone.

 **Mom** : i hope ur going to class and remember to call me at least once a week! Love u

 **Me** : I'm going to all my classes don't worry and i've been calling every day

 **Mom** : i just miss hearing ur voice clarke, can u blame me?

 **Mom** : love u :)

 **Me** : love you too

She smiled to herself before putting her phone in her back pocket. "Your mom again?" Octavia asked catching up to her.

"Yeah, it's only been 4 days and she's already getting anxious."

"Hey, at least she still cares about your existence. Mine, not so much." Clarke looked to her and saw anger flash through Octavia's eyes but it was gone as fast as it appeared.

"But at least she did me and Bell a favor, she was a shitty excuse for a mother to begin with…" Clarke noticed her hands balling into fists, knuckles white.

"I-I'm sorry-" Clarke was about to finish but Octavia interrupted, "Don't apologize for something you have no control over, I'm over it."

Clarke could see in her expression that it was a sensitive topic, so she just nodded. The two of them were about to round the corner of a busy walkway when she felt a vibration in her pocket.

 **Mom** : when did u want me to visit next?

Clarke continued her pace beside Octavia, eyes downcast towards her phone about to type out her reply when she felt herself run into somebody's shoulder. She instantly felt an ache on her chest when she realized she walked right into someone. Clarke thought she dropped her phone but was thankful when she felt it clutched in her hand. She finally composed herself enough to squat down and reach for the fallen water bottle and textbook, "Sorry, I wasn't watching where I was going."

The person she bumped into was wearing a black baseball cap covering her eyes, hair tied into a loose bun, wearing a knit top with jeans. What caught her attention the most though, was the small but visible tattoo of a black and white rose between her index finger and thumb. It took Clarke a second to realize it was a girl, because, duh. As she went to grab the plastic bottle she saw it being snatched so quickly she forgot it fell in the first place.

"It's fine." The voice slurred a bit, but Clarke didn't notice.

Clarke managed to hand over the textbook which read "Guitar Tabs for Advanced Players", and both of them got back on their feet at the same time. She was about to say something else in apology but before she knew it green eyes blinked to her blue ones and then she was gone.

 _What the hell was that?_

Clarke forgot that she was in the middle of a crowded hallway and was pulled from her thoughts when she heard, "Dude, don't text and walk. Let's go?" Her response was a wordless nod and she followed.

She started walking but couldn't stop herself from thinking about the weird encounter she just had. The girl was pretty from what she briefly saw, like really pretty. Clarke didn't know if she was jealous or just thought she was attractive. She could barely make out her features because her hat was obscuring her face, but she distinctively remembers those green eyes.

Clarke was so distracted that she didn't even remember to respond to her text.

"So there's this really cute guy in my stats class..." Octavia was lying on her bed looking up at the ceiling waiting for a response.

"Oh yeah? Have you guys talked?"

Octavia scoffed, "He's literally the most attractive guy in the entire class. I'd be lucky if I he looked my way."

"Like my favourite band Coldplay once said, "if you never try, you'll never know."

"Seriously? Coldplay's lame as fuck."

"You're lame as fuck," Clarke retorted mockingly, "I wouldn't even talk O, you're literally staring at a poster of One Direction above your bed. Speaking of which, what made you think it would be a good idea to position it so that you're staring at their faces before you go to sleep?"

Clarke was sitting cross-legged on her bed leaning against the wall with her laptop, when she looked back to her quiet roommate. "That was a rhetorical question. Tell me more about this attractive guy."

The girl got up from her place and mimicked Clarke's position so that they were facing each other on opposite sides of the room.

"His name's Lincoln. He always raises his hand and asks questions which makes sense because stats is insufferable," Clarke notices the way she plays with her hands and fidgets nervously under her gaze. "But he knows what he's talking about and he just sounds so smart, and did I mention that he works out? Like a lot, his arms are ridiculous."

"You're practically swooning, you need to talk to him."

"What if he's already got a girlfriend? I'll feel so stupid to have even bothered, like he's too good looking to not have someone." She sounded annoyed but mostly at the situation.

"Look Octavia, you're hot. Anyone with eyes can see that, all I can tell you is that you should give it a shot. If it doesn't work out, whatever, you tried." Clarke looked away from her laptop and gave a reassuring smile.

"So you're into chicks, huh blondie?" Octavia smirked.

Clarke felt heat crawl up her neck and onto her cheeks, "I'm more of a best of both worlds kinda gal." She replied suggestively.

"Ugh gross, you didn't need to throw a Hannah Montana reference in there. Totally unnecessary."

Clarke went back on her laptop to play the song to make Octavia even more uncomfortable when they heard a knock on the door. Clarke didn't make any attempt to move, and with an eye roll Octavia got up and answered the door.

"Bell!" Clarke shifted her gaze from the screen in front of her to the door to see Octavia hugging a guy with unkempt hair. "I missed you, jerk." He released her from his grip and smiled apologetically.

"I'm sorry, I moved in the same time as Raven and I had to work double shifts at the shop, couldn't get out of it."

Octavia looked in Clarke's direction, and she awkwardly got the memo and walked towards the two.

"Bellamy, this is my roommate Clarke, and this goof right here is my brother." Octavia smiled at him.

"Hey, it's nice to meet you. She hasn't gotten on your nerves yet I hope?" He joked.

Clarke wasn't sure if she should shake his hand, but that's what she's been doing so far, so she extends her hand to him, "Likewise. And no, she's great. For the most part."

They were about to close the door after them when Raven called out, "Are you forgetting someone? I'm pretty insulted."

"Oh shit right, sorry!" Bellamy held the door open and let the shorter girl inside.

"And this was my idea too, not cool bro." Raven shot a disappointed look towards the older brother.

"Wait, what idea?" Octavia asked confused. They all found places to sit in the double room, with Clarke and Raven on one side, and Octavia and Bellamy on the other.

"It's Thursday, you know what that means!" Bellamy said enthusiastically.

"We aren't all third years here Bell, we're freshmen all over again. Now elaborate, what exactly goes down on a Thursday?" The younger of the two repeated.

"Pub night, nowhere specific because all the bars on campus do it, but I always hit up The Ab." He replied. He went to lie on the bed and draped his legs over Octavia's lap.

"The Ab? Is that code for something?" Raven laughed beside Clarke.

"The Absinthe, that's the bar I'm talking about. It's got a rustic grungy feel to it, you guys would like it."

"Oh yeah, you know how I like it all rustic and grungy." Raven was laughing even harder now.

Clarke noted the way Raven subtly lit up at Bellamy making conversation. She smiled, "I'm in."

Raven chimed in, "Same here, I'm always up for drinks."

Octavia looked at her brother with her hands up, "If I end up throwing up on you, don't say I didn't warn you."

"So basically the stage of being white-girl wasted." Clarke grinned, and Raven failed at holding in her laugh.

"Shut up, let's see how you two look by the end of the night." She sneered.

"Alright, it's settled," Bellamy clapped his hands together, "I just realized how weird it's going to look bringing in three chicks."

"Hey maybe you'll get a reputation for being a ladies man, you'd like that." Raven gave him a knowing look.

"Are you kidding? I've had that rep since high school and it's been working out pretty well."

Octavia pinched the bridge of her nose and gave Raven an exasperated look, "Don't make me regret coming."

The fact that Clarke didn't know what to expect tonight made it all the more enticing.

* * *

So it didn't end up being only the four of them going, Clarke remembered the lanky guy she met on move in day and decided to invite Jasper too.

"Thanks a lot for inviting me Clarke. I haven't really had the time to do anything since classes started, bio is seriously killing my social status." Jasper was closing his dorm room door behind him and gestured his arms outward to Clarke, "After you m'lady."

"I barely know you but I can already tell you're a huge dork." She laughed lightly moving towards the elevator.

"If you think I'm a dork, wait till you meet my roommate Monty, he's a lot worse. He didn't even know I left just now, once he starts a match in League of Legends, he's a goner."

"I don't even know what that is, but sounds cool? I guess," Clarke wasn't exactly up-to-date on the latest video games, "I don't really play, I'm an artist so I usually spend my time sketching or something."

They wait for the elevator in a comfortable silence and walk in once it reached their floor. It reaches the lobby fairly quickly and Clarke saw her group of friends waiting by some couches. She felt like everything was falling into place and couldn't help but grin when she approached the familiar faces.

"Oh yeah, this is Jasper, he's on our floor." Everyone introduced themselves one by one.

"Hey Jasper, good to see you again." Octavia gave the boy a small smile, and Clarke could already tell he was drooling.

"You look good Octavia, I mean you always look good, but more so today. That sounded weird didn't it, sorry I think my hermit lifestyle made me suck at socializing," he nervously rubbed the back of his neck looking away from Octavia. Clarke inwardly cringed at his awkward small talk.

Bellamy and Raven pretended not to notice Jasper's feeble attempt at flirting. Octavia just shot him a small smile, which was apparently good enough for him. He was back to his giddy self and spoke, "So are we going to go drink or what?"

"This is going to sound really stupid because I only thought about this now, but… we don't have any fakes on us. They won't even serve us." Octavia said with a blank face.

The realization hit both Clarke and Jasper and their faces fell, Raven brought her hand to her face and groaned loudly, "Bellamy this was your plan, any ideas?"

"Guys ease up, it's totally fine. My friend works there, he won't give us any trouble, I promise." Bellamy's reassurance brought on hesitation from the group but they went for it.

"Okay, I'm tired of wasting time, I need a drink, or like ten." Raven pushed through the exit grumbling.

The five of them finally made it to the building where the bar was; it was in the basement of the arts building, somewhere Clarke would be frequenting. She finally understood what Bellamy meant by "rustic grunge". The doors leading in were lined with vintage concert posters from the 70's, and a hand painted sign that read 'The Absinthe Pub & Café' at the top. Clarke liked it already, except for the musty smell of stale beer and rotting wood that filled her senses as soon as she walked in.

"This isn't my usual type of place to get drunk at, but I like it. Nice one Bell." Raven gave Bellamy a pat on the shoulder and walked with the rest towards a booth near the front.

Octavia stiffened as she sat down and spared obvious glances toward the bar where a tall, broad man, with a shaved head stood pouring drinks.

"Uh, Octavia? You alright there?" Jasper noticed the change in the girl and tried to see what was wrong.

"Clarke, that's the guy. It's Lincoln behind the bar." Octavia looked so flustered and her sudden onset of awkwardness was becoming kind of funny to watch.

Raven followed her line of sight and finally put two and two together, "Damn." she turned around again for another glance to get a proper look. Jasper looked towards the bar and saw the burly man Octavia was staring at and his disappointment was evident, to Clarke at least. She didn't say anything, but smiled at Jasper in a poor attempt to comfort him.

Clarke who was seated to Octavia's right moved her eyes toward the bar and saw the source of her roommate's affection. He was nice to look at, that's for sure, no wonder Octavia's so freaked out to make a move, she thought.

"Well shit O. He's pretty cute, I'll give you that." She gave a nervous Octavia a coy smile.

They both turned to face Lincoln who stood behind the bar leaning towards Bellamy, both of them erupting into sincere laughter. Octavia put her face in her hand and leaned onto her elbow, Clarke tried to hide a smile when she turned to see how absolutely infatuated she looked. She let herself hold a genuine smile, more to herself than anything.

"Hey you guys, I'm going to get us a pitcher. I'll get some vodka and limes just in case too." Bellamy had come over and let everyone know before moving back towards Lincoln.

"I'm good with any alcoholic drink, no issues here." Raven said out loud then high-fived Jasper when she saw him offer his palm to her in agreement.

She felt Octavia slide over and out of the booth watching as she sauntered over beside Bellamy and leaning on the bar with her forearms.

 _Took her long enough._

Clarke took a proper look at her surroundings; the entire interior of the bar was made out of distressed wood giving it that rustic look, with a heavily stained carpet covering the floor adding to the obvious grunge vibe. She noticed a hook just above the bar with different coloured bras on display and she chuckled, but that wasn't the only thing that caught her attention.

She tried to block out the loud voices coming from all around the room, it was getting pretty distracting, and most of them already sounded wasted. Clarke was scanning the place when she took notice of a figure slouching on a table for two towards the back of the bar in dark clothing and a beanie. The girl looked to be pretty absorbed in the book in front of her face, loose brown curls framing the sides of her head.

That was when she saw it, a black and white rose on the back of her hand.

 _Shit_.

Bellamy couldn't have chosen a better time to bring the drinks over to the table, Octavia sidled back over with an obvious grin on her face. Clarke was snapped back to reality when a pint glass was put in front of her, blocking her view from the girl she was staring at.

"Cheers guys. I told you everything was handled, you gotta trust brother Bell." He lifted his glass towards the middle of the table and waited to toast his glass with everyone.

"Clarke? Are you okay? You seem kind of distracted." Raven looked concerned when you didn't lift your glass.

"Oh, yeah! I'm fine, it's just super loud and I can't even hear myself think," She lied, and brought up her glass, "Cheers."

Clarke was taking a sip and her gaze drifted back to the hidden figure in the back corner of the room. She set her glass down and made sure no one was trying to strike up a conversation before she returned to looking at the girl. There was a pack of cigarettes lying on the surface of the table, along with 3 empty pints.

 _Girl can drink, impressive_.

You look back to your friends and watch as Raven animatedly tells a story about how she basically built a 5 foot model rocket ship by herself, you only notice Octavia leave when the warmth of her pressed to your side disappears. Lincoln was wiping down the bar counter and had a grin on his face when he saw her approach him.

Clarke averted her gaze to the girl and expected to see the back of the book, but instead she saw the book being set down on the table, and the pack of cigarettes being stuffed into her jacket pocket. Clarke didn't realize she was staring until those familiar pale-green eyes met hers from across the room. She thought she was having something similar to a stroke because everything just kind of _stopped_. Clarke couldn't explain what she was feeling in that moment, she stopped breathing somewhere along the way too but she couldn't move her eyes away.

She was ripped from her thoughts when she heard loud chanting coming from the frat guys' table beside theirs. Clarke thought she was still staring but realized thegirl wasn't at the table anymore, she doesn't remember seeing her leave.

 _Pull it together and chill the fuck out._

"Hey Bellamy, do you have any cigarettes?" She didn't know what she said until she heard it come out of her mouth.

"Since when do you smoke Griffin?" Raven gave her an incredulous look while Bellamy wore a similar expression.

"Yeah I do, here just take it. Don't tell Octavia, she hates it." Clarke didn't think he would give in so easily but she grabbed the pack and put it in her coat pocket.

Octavia was deep in conversation with Lincoln, and didn't notice Clarke slip past the entrance and into the hallway. She walked the opposite way they came in and pushed through a set of doors that lead outside. Clarke didn't see anyone and something inside of her ached, until she rounded the corner and saw someone's back facing her.

The sound of the door closing shut startled the girl and she turned around a little too quickly. Clarke kept her eyes down and pulled out the pack from her pocket.

"Shit." She muttered. Of course she forgot to ask Bellamy for a lighter.

In the corner of her eye, she saw the girl take careful steps toward her and Clarke lifted her gaze to see a hand outstretched offering a white lighter.

"Thanks." Clarke placed one between her lips, the act not feeling completely alien to her, and brought the flame to the end. She inhaled, and oh boy she forgot how to do this. She didn't exhale her first puff before she choked and coughed out the smoke.

She heard a muffled laugh from the other side of her but it was gone as soon as Clarke stopped struggling for breath.

"I take it you don't smoke." Was all the girl said.

Clarke looked up into her eyes and finally got a good look at the mystery girl's face.

 _Holy fuck_.

To say Clarke was enamoured would be a huge understatement. The girl had green eyes with some grey infused in there, they were mesmerizing to look at. What Clarke noticed most was the change in the girl's expression, she only remembered the hardened stare and expressionless eyes. But this time her eyes were gentler, but her face remained stoic and guarded.

"Not really, it's been a while if that's what you meant."

"I meant what I said, you don't smoke. So why are you?" This time her voice had a bit of an edge to it, she took a long drag and blew the smoke out in a cloud. Clarke noticed the change and levelled with her.

"Why are you?" She challenged. Clarke brought the cigarette to her lips and slowly inhaled watching the girl with an open stare, careful not to repeat her first puff. This time she didn't cough out a lung, but it was apparent she didn't do this often with her self-conscious hand movements.

"That's not the point." She said flatly.

Clarke moved her eyes so that she was looking at the concrete below and glanced at the girl who had now walked a few steps further away. There was something about her voice that had changed when she spoke, it wasn't angry, it sounded defeated more than anything.

"Then it shouldn't matter, don't you think?" Clarke didn't really know where this conversation was going, but something inside her fuelled her responses. She brought her head up to look at the girl again; she was tall, taller than Clarke even. Her posture was a lot better than when she saw her inside the bar, her shoulders were set straight while she kept her other hand in her pocket. The girl was blowing out a breath of smoke and looked back at Clarke.

"It doesn't matter what I think." She turned so that her back was facing Clarke and took another drag.

"Why are you being like that?" Clarke spoke a little louder, annoyed at how the girl turned a light conversation into a tension filled silence.

The girl turned around, and Clarke felt herself shrink under her gaze when she was met with a familiar scornful expression, her eyes darker than they were a minute ago.

"Like what? You don't know anything about me." She scoffed and lifted her arm to throw the filter a couple feet away with a flick of her finger. That was the last thing she said before she walked away, and like that she was gone, again.

Clarke was stunned at the sudden outburst and tried to understand what just happened, she doesn't remember saying anything insulting. She hadn't expected the girl she saw five minutes ago to turn around and become another person entirely.

Something stuck in Clarke's mind though, as the girl went to throw away her cigarette butt, her sweater sleeve slid down and she could see a blend of pink and dark red lines up and down her forearm.

She clenched her jaw and squeezed her eyes shut, "God I'm such an idiot."


	2. say (all i need)

One thing Clarke found out about Octavia after living with her for a week was that she could be _extremely_ convincing. She didn't even realize she agreed to go to the gym with her until she felt herself being dragged out of their building.

"Why can't you just go by yourself? I was planning on finishing my sketch tonight for class." Clarke had a gym bag slung across her shoulders, bumping into her hip with each step. She decided to change when she got there and opted for leaving in a jean jacket and sweatpants.

"I need you to make me look good in front of Lincoln. Just check out these leggings, they make my ass look incredible." Octavia walked ahead and swayed her hips with a smirk on her face.

As much as Clarke regretted neglecting her schoolwork, Octavia had a point; her ass _did_ look fantastic in those. She didn't know for sure, but Clarke didn't think her roommate owned any gym attire before the semester begun.

"And how exactly am I supposed to make you look good? He already seems interested so you need to relax." Clarke was starting to regret letting herself be persuaded by the girl. The two of them were walking beside each other making their way through campus walk toward the fitness center.

"Just pretend you don't know how to use the machines, and I'll teach you. I can be like a personal instructor or something, just go with it." Octavia was talking really fast and made it obvious that she had no idea what she was doing.

To be honest Clarke hadn't worked out in almost a year. She had been focusing on her grades leaving high school, and helping Abby with their move from Arizona to Pennsylvania. Running was something Clarke did pretty often, she had taken up cross-country early on in her life and it soon became her favourite form of cardio.

"You're honestly trying way too hard Octavia. I saw the way he was looking at you in The Ab, just be yourself." The sinking feeling in her gut became increasingly more noticeable each time she talked about her roommate's love life. As happy as she is for Octavia, she can't bring herself to push away the lingering loneliness she felt herself.

"I just…I don't want to mess this up you know? I really like him."

Clarke thought she was finished with what she was saying when she spoke again, "Have you ever just looked at someone, and just knew. Like you know they're going to either ruin your life or be the best thing to have ever happened to you?"

That struck something inside Clarke's mind and then she saw an image of Finn creep into her thoughts. They were in love, or at least Clarke was. She couldn't remember the last time she was as happy as she was when they were together. Then he ruined everything, a seemingly innocent crush turned into a year and a half worth of lies. Clarke knew high school relationships weren't destined to last but at the time it felt real, and it was a slap to the face to find out he had been cheating on her the whole time.

The thought of him made her realize he was neither the best nor worst thing to have happened to her, he was just there. It was easy and made her feel something, but Clarke would never give him that importance in her life.

Clarke didn't know if Octavia was expecting a response but the blonde kept on walking with her gaze fixed ahead and quietly spoke, "Sometimes the people who ruin you turn out being the best thing that's ever happened to you."

Octavia pursed her lips and hummed in understanding. They continued to walk down the path in a comfortable silence, Clarke was unaware her hands were brushing against Octavia's. The dark haired girl noticed that the blonde appeared to be mulling over something, and moved her hand to her bag strap.

"You okay? You look a little stuck in your head." Octavia started to feel a little awkward after a couple minutes.

Clarke stiffened slightly at the question, "Yeah, I'm fine O. It's just that I'm already stressed with classes." Clarke wasn't in the habit of lying, but that was probably the easier option for her, rather than explaining what she was actually thinking about.

That seemed to be good enough for Octavia because she just nodded and Clarke was thankful. She admired her roommate's directness, they've barely known each other for two weeks and Clarke already knows her better than Octavia knows her.

If she was being honest with herself, Clarke couldn't stop replaying the scene that played out between her and the girl with green eyes at the bar. She finds it pretty pathetic that she doesn't even know her name and yet her mind always seems to drift back to high cheekbones and pink lips.

" _You don't know anything about me."_

The more Clarke thinks about what the girl said, the more she feels like it sounded something similar to a threat. It wasn't obvious but Clarke could sense that it was a warning with her cold stare, the bite in her voice made Clarke wince at the harshness.

She felt rather stupid about the whole thing, really. Usually being talked to so harshly and out of nowhere would've pissed her off in any other circumstance, so what made this any different?

The anger she felt in that moment subsided when their argument ended, leaving the blonde feeling drained from the guilt that started to grow. Clarke has never caused self-inflicted harm to herself because she's never truly been able to understand how much pain it takes to go that far.

Clarke had always appreciated the beauty of the human body with all it's imperfections, and art made her grow to love the things she had learned to hate.

But the thought of finding emotional release through scarring yourself, Clarke couldn't fathom. It made her palms sweat to think about, her throat starting to close whenever she imagined silvery marks running on delicate skin below.

She had to internally cringe at how genuinely confused she was at everything at this point. The feeling of being so enraptured by a complete stranger was beginning to make her lose control of her thoughts.

Whenever Clarke probed her mind absentmindedly, the green eyes she saw behind her eyelids made her stomach drop, it almost felt like falling.

This was the first time in Clarke's life that she felt herself being pushed away and pulled in at the same time, she didn't understand it but it only intrigued her more.

She felt an uncomfortable heaviness in her chest but Clarke was honestly getting tired of thinking about a person who couldn't care less about her existence. All she knew was that she needed to clear her head. The gym didn't sound like the worst idea anymore.

* * *

Octavia pretty much ditched Clarke when she came into view of Lincoln by the weights. The whole personal trainer idea seemed to be off the table, and Clarke was slightly relieved she could save some of her dignity.

She figured she was emotional support for her friend but also watching Octavia's face flush after ten minutes on the elliptical was already worth it. The sound of weights being dropped on the floor and animalistic grunting echoed throughout the room, while the top 40 blared from the speakers.

Clarke had just walked into the gym and she immediately caught sight of Octavia who was struggling to catch her breath. She made eye contact with Clarke and regained some of her composure, suddenly a lot more energetic in her strides. The blonde tried to keep herself from laughing but it was futile when she saw Octavia trying to control her breathing, which looked more like wheezing than anything else.

It was a huge room, the walls lined with mirrors, the treadmills were at the very back, and all the cardio machines on the right side, and the left side had the weights. Clarke had her phone in one and held a water bottle in the other as she walked towards the back of the room, and couldn't help feeling a bit self-conscious.

Clarke picked a treadmill in the middle and set down her bottle of water in the cup holder, getting in some stretches before she started. She put in her earphones and stood on the track of the machine, adjusting her settings for a 35-minute jog. She wanted to take it easy considering how long it's been since she last run. The only thing she didn't like was the placement of the treadmill because it faced the rest of the gym, instead of the window behind.

The track's speed began to increase and Clarke soon found her pace at a light jog. She tried to ignore her early shortness of breath and distracted herself by taking a look around the room. She looked to the left side of the room where she saw Octavia on the mats with Lincoln doing push ups.

 _That's a little more impressive._

They moved to rest on their forearms in a planking position and had playful grins plastered on their faces. If Clarke had not known either of them, she would have probably thought they were together.

Watching the concentration in people's faces in the mirror was kind of creepy but Clarke didn't really have much of a choice in her view. She looked to the other side, the much louder part of the gym, where people were using free weights and the benches.

The majority of people near the weights were guys, but there were some girls scattered around. Clarke moved her head a little more to the right where the bars for deadlifts and squats were; there was a guy and a girl to the right of him.

She wasn't quite sure why she started observing their movement, but she didn't need to be a pro to see how terrible the guy's form was. His knees were bending over his feet, and his back was so curved it hurt just to look at. Clarke was not an expert at squats, but she did them a lot for her high school fitness courses, so she knew the basics.

Clarke paused her mental criticisms to slow her pace down and brought her lips to her water bottle, alleviating the discomfort of a dry mouth. Her legs were getting pretty sore around her knees but she only had 13 minutes left. She looked back to where the guy was and saw him set the bar back up.

She turned her head to watch the female beside him, and _damn._ Her form was pretty perfect from what Clarke could see, and it was evident she knew exactly what she was doing.

 _And they say girls can't lift._

She wore fingerless gloves with a skintight long sleeve top and _very_ tight yoga pants, Clarke was in awe by how toned she was. There were two plates on each side of the bar, not appearing to struggle at all with each lift. She was carefully watching her posture in the mirror, keeping her head straight in line with her shoulders.

Okay so Clarke was looking at a little more than the form, because _how do you even get an ass like that?_ She didn't even think thighs could be that muscular, but there she was making squatting two plates look like easy.

Clarke felt her mouth dry at the sight as she dropped her gaze from the woman's perfectly sculpted legs, and brought her bottle to her lips. She was so distracted by the woman's "form" that the background slowly turned into static noise.

The girl had straight hair that was pulled back in a tight ponytail with a black baseball cap covering her eyes.

 _Wait_. She's seen that hat before, that or either Clarke thinks she has officially lost it.

She was about to swallow a mouthful of water when she looked at the reflection of the woman and saw a pair of eyes glaring back. Clarke started choking on the water she was struggling to get down her throat and had to get on the side rails of the treadmill before she fell.

 _Oh god of course it's her._

She felt eyes burning a hole in the side of her head, but Clarke was still trying to catch her breath and lowered her gaze. That seemed to be a good enough run for Clarke, stopping the treadmill with a meager 8 minutes remaining.

Apparently Lincoln and Octavia weren't the only ones who saw Clarke choke and almost fall off the treadmill, but they were the only ones walking towards her. She mentally scolded herself for almost falling on her face on the first day she decided to work out, definitely not being the first impression she wanted to make.

"I felt bad for laughing, but in my defense it looked funny from where we were." Octavia didn't even try to hide the shit-eating grin she had on the walk over.

"Did you miss a step or something?" She hadn't spent much time with Lincoln but Clarke was glad to hear the concern in his voice.

"Uh, yeah… something like that." She cleared her voice, trying to direct the attention away from her shortness of breath.

"I haven't seen you this flustered before Griffin." Octavia's grin was replaced with a blank expression after sensing her friend's uneasiness.

Clarke couldn't have picked a worse time to shift her gaze from Octavia's, back to the source of her nerves.

 _Why am I even nervous? This is ridiculous._

The girl had moved from the squatting bench and had moved, putting plates on to the bench-press bar. Octavia followed Clarke's gaze and saw the girl by the weights. She looked back over to Clarke and noticed her roommate wasn't even trying to hide her stare.

The girl had slid under the bar and adjusted her grip on the handles before lifting it off the stand and above her chest in one swift motion. It barely grazed her torso before she lifted it back up in the air with ease. Her lips were pressed together with a furrowed brow, blowing out a breath after each lift. The movements were getting slower and Clarke was trying to focus on the bar and not the skin near her hips from her shirt riding up.

"Earth to Clarke," There was a hand snapping in her face and she scrunched her face at the proximity, "You're staring at that girl." It sounded more like a statement than a question and that's what got Clarke's attention.

"No I'm not, I mean I am but only because she's better than like half the guys here." Clarke stumbled over her words, she wasn't being completely dishonest.

"Why don't you go talk to her?" Lincoln asked, it seemed like a fairly easy solution but Clarke didn't feel like it was the right place for that conversation.

"She's… kind of intense." It's true, but only Clarke knew that.

"How do you know that if you've never talked to her?" Octavia looked at you with a skeptical face.

"Remember that girl I ran into in the hallway last week after class?" Clarke saw her roommates eyebrows raise after a beat.

"That's her isn't it?" Octavia had to look back at the girl they were referring to, "Okay yeah, I see what you mean."

Clarke just gave her a silent nod and began to worry her lips. Octavia breathed out a sigh at the look of uncertainty the blonde had, "Sometimes you need to take your own advice Griffin, I thought you were the ballsy one."

That seemed to have hit a nerve because Clarke began nodding to herself, silently contemplating her friend's words.

The three of them casually glanced over where they last saw her and all they saw was an empty bench-press station. Clarke looked back at the pair and tried to look unaffected, letting air escape past her lips, relieved at the absence of her anxiety.

Octavia just twitched the side of her mouth to the side indifferently and offered a shrug of her shoulders, "I've only seen the chick in oversized clothing, but she's actually pretty hot."

"She squats better than me… that's wifey material." Lincoln remarked.

Octavia threw the broad shouldered man beside her an unimpressed look, but Clarke caught the way her eyes lowered and glazed over slightly.

"I…. have to go, I'll meet you back at the room," she told Octavia while picking up her stuff off the treadmill, "And get her back safe." Clarke gave Lincoln a small smile and walked away.

* * *

She didn't exactly know _what_ she was doing, but Clarke knew she couldn't leave without a shower. Getting sweaty wasn't an issue for her before but she reminds herself it's been a while.

Something inside of her wants to talk to that girl again. Clarke reprimanded herself enough for pushing too much the last time, so the least she could do is apologize. She wasn't sure if it was closure she wanted, or to just get the chance to hear her voice again.

The dry-fit shirt Clarke had been wearing, stuck to her skin uncomfortably, and made her speed up her walk to the change room. She pushed through the door and was welcomed by the sounds of conversation, and locker doors being slammed shut. While making her way to where her locker was, Clarke found herself searching for familiar green eyes.

She got to her locker and deflated, Clarke didn't really know what she was expecting. With an underlying annoyance at herself, she grabbed a towel from inside the locker and started taking off the damp clothing. She took a quick look around and saw that no one was around before stripping off her undergarments, wrapping herself in the towel.

Clarke hated the feeling of walking on cold and soggy tiles, careful to avoid stepping on the wet strands of hair littered on the floor. The showers weren't that bad, at least there were curtains for each one. There were a few other people using the public facility, their feet visible from underneath the shower curtains. Clarke was really looking forward to the warm embrace of a shower, hoping it would relieve the dull ache she felt in her muscles.

She stepped in the small space and lowered her towel looking around in confusion for somewhere she could put it. There weren't any hooks by the front of the curtains, which Clarke thought was pretty stupid. There was a ledge on the side that separated her shower from the one beside hers, so she lightly threw it over without a second thought.

Clarke felt a chill as soon as she took the towel off and quickly turned the knob in front of her, lining up the arrow near the red side. She welcomed the warm water that came rushing out, and stood underneath the showerhead enjoying how it felt. She began to lather shampoo into her scalp, before rinsing it out and moving to use some body wash.

She had her eyes closed under the showerhead, water moving against her face and failed to notice her poorly thrown towel falling slowly over to the other side. It wasn't until Clarke was finishing up that she saw her towel slip from the edge of the tiled walls and into the other shower stall.

"Shit!" Of course something like that would happen to Clarke on the first day she decides to go to the gym. The towel must have gotten soaked, and she was definitely not about to walk back to her locker without anything to cover her very wet and _very_ naked body.

"It's alright, I will go get you another one." A muffled voice on the other side of Clarke spoke.

She was about to thank the polite stranger when she heard the shower in the next stall being shut off, and the sound of the curtain being shifted to the side. Clarke had turned off her shower as well, and used her arms to shield herself against the chill in the air. After a few minutes of waiting in an uncomfortable position, Clarke thought the girl wasn't coming back and started to become unnerved.

Clarke saw movement from above her, a folded towel being passed to her over the curtain as she breathed a sigh of relief. At least she wouldn't have another embarrassing story to tell Octavia.

"Thank you so much. You saved me from a lot of awkwardness." Clarke said timidly.

She went to grab the towel being extended to her and caught view of the hand when she pulled it out of the girls grasp. She's only seen it twice now, but she could recognize that distinctive rose tattoo anywhere.

"You would be surprised how often this happens, it is no trouble." The voice was eerily familiar now that she knew who was talking to her. It almost made Clarke breathless, the realization and how soft-spoken the voice sounded tinged with amusement.

 _What are the chances?_

The blonde was having a difficult time trying to decide what to say next, but Clarke just found herself tongue-tied by the whole situation. By the time she actually formulated a sentence in her head, she was leaving the shower only to see no one was there.

Again, Clarke didn't know what she was expecting but she still felt a little disappointed. She had herself wrapped in the towel, her damp hair splayed on the nape of her neck.

Making her way down the rows of change room lockers, she noticed how empty it became, and was comforted with the idea of extra privacy.

Clarke was caught off guard when she reached the row where her locker was, only to see a shirtless girl sitting on the other side of her.

There were earphones in her ears, her head bobbing up and down; at least she couldn't hear anything. Her attention was focused on the phone in her hands, oblivious to the movement behind her. She had a black bra on and beige jogging pants, but it didn't stop Clarke from letting her eyes wander briefly.

She opened her locker quietly, trying not to startle the girl. She took that as an opportunity to do a double take at the girl's torso. There was a large tattoo of a sword down the middle of her back, with angel wings on the sides of the hilt. It was beautifully done, and it only made her gaze roam further down the curve of the girls back. She tried to not think about how smooth the skin looked under the light.

Clarke couldn't recognize the girl she was looking at, her shoulders were sunken in which made her appear more fragile than she was. It was _her_ , whoever she was. All it took was a glance; the scars on her forearm already a memorable image in Clarke's head.

The brunette who had straighter hair this time looked a lot less intimidating than she did lifting weights. Clarke was having a hard time figuring out if they were both the same person. The girl in front of her looked small under her gaze even though she couldn't see her face, Clarke felt lucky to be seeing a more vulnerable side.

After indulging her eyes for a bit longer than necessary, Clarke thought it would probably be a good idea to stop staring and get her clothes on. She took out her gym bag from inside and set it on the bench, checking if the girl had heard it. She didn't, her back was still towards Clarke.

This could be the only opportunity to talk to her, and Clarke needed to clear her head of the guilty thoughts that started to plague her mind. She tries to convince herself that it's an odd luck that she's run into her as much as she has. But if she's being honest, Clarke doesn't believe in coincidences, she's a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.

 _Be cool Clarke._

That was when Clarke decided to slam the locker door shut with a little too much force. From the corner of her eye she saw that the girl flinched at the noise and froze in her spot. Her shoulders visibly tensed and the vulnerability Clarke saw two minutes ago was replaced with a cold apprehension.

Clarke turned her head to see green eyes looking back from her seated position. The girl's eyes widened when she saw her, pulling out her earphones and turned back around to find a shirt. She put it on with a little too much fervor, pulling down her sleeves past her wrists. When she saw this, Clarke felt a familiar heaviness settle in her chest.

"Thanks again, for the towel." She offered, holding up her towel around her and using the other hand to rifle through her gym bag.

"That was you?" Clarke glanced over and saw a look of disbelief on her face.

"Yeah, small world." The blonde saw realization spread across the girls face, and hid her smile.

"You are not following me, I hope." The girl looked away and picked up a water bottle from near her feet and took a long drink.

"Don't flatter yourself, I came here for a run." Clarke responded nonchalantly. She moved her eyes back to her belongings and missed the momentary look of distaste on the girls face.

She heard a quiet chuckle come from the other side, "Does almost falling off the treadmill count as a satisfactory run?"

There was a ghost of a smile on Clarke's lips, but she brushed it off and felt her eyes being drawn to the girls. "Were you watching me?"

The brunette had avoided her stare and couldn't hide the slight blush creeping up on her cheeks. Something about knowing that she wasn't the only one staring gave her a warm feeling in her stomach. Clarke felt her own face getting warmer.

 _Okay so far, so good._

"N-no of course not. But it was hard to miss the sound of gagging coming from the treadmills." The girls eyes darted around, she picked up the water bottle again and took another large drink. This time Clarke moved her eyes to the girl and caught the small but noticeable look of disgust on her face.

 _I probably just made her uncomfortable._

Clarke realized she still hadn't changed; she looked down at herself wrapped up in the towel and then to the girl.

"Oh, yes. Of course, sorry." The brunette stammered and turned her body around to face a row of lockers.

Clarke was sometimes a little blind to things but she wasn't oblivious to the nervousness the girl was showing. It wasn't obvious but Clarke could sense that she too was caught off guard by what was happening. She started dressing herself, looking back to see that the figure had still kept her eyes trained to the floor.

"With the amount of times we run into each other, I think it's only fair to know your name." Clarke had been waiting to ask, trying to sound casual.

"Lexa," She said faintly.

It sounded so mechanical coming out of her mouth, but Clarke couldn't stop thinking about how easily it rolled off her tongue.

 _Lexa._

"And you?"

"I'm Clarke," she took careful steps towards Lexa after fastening the buttons on her shirt.

The dark haired girl noticed the voice get closer to her, and she rotated her torso to see the blonde girl standing above her, hesitantly offering her hand.

It was like she had never shaken anyone's hand before, looking at the open palm in front of her with a look that Clarke couldn't figure out.

Lexa had gotten up from the bench and maintained space between them, "Nice to meet you, Clarke."

The way Lexa's tongue clicked saying her name made Clarke's stomach flutter.

 _It sounds so much better when she says it._

She had brought her hand up to Clarke's and held it firmly. They were looking at each other with a quiet intensity, unaware of how long their hands were touching until Lexa abruptly pulled hers away. She looked at her hand like she got burned, and curled it into a fist beside her.

Clarke missed the warmth of her hand as soon as it was gone, feeling a scorching sensation where their hands met. She didn't really know just what that was. _That was weird._ Instead she gave Lexa a small smile and walked back to the other side, putting away her gym attire.

Lexa resumed her place on the bench and fidgeted with her hands absentmindedly.

"I couldn't help but notice your tattoos, they're beautiful."

"Thank you." Lexa moved her eyes to Clarke and saw that she had taken a seat, mirroring her position.

"May I ask what they mean?" She wanted to know if there was a story behind the artwork.

After a couple seconds of silence Lexa spoke, "The sword on my back represents unwavering strength, and the wings symbolize... hope, if you will."

"What about the rose on your hand?" That was the first one Clarke had seen and was immediately drawn to it, she thought it must have held importance considering the intimate placement.

Lexa lowered her gaze and avoided the stare she felt from the blonde. She used her other hand and gently moved her thumb back and forth across the tattooed skin beneath.

"It holds no meaning, it is just a single rose." The blonde couldn't return the uncertain stare from Lexa and tried to work with her.

Clarke didn't really believe her, but pressing too far got her nowhere the last time, "But why on the hand?"

Lexa continued to look down at her hand, her face appearing to be contemplating something. Clarke noticed a shift in the girl's demeanour when the blonde looked back up at her.

The brunette's eyes flickered to the floor, then back to Clarke's and tightened her jaw. "Why do you keep trying so hard?" Lexa asked coldly.

She wasn't talking about her tattoo anymore and Clarke needed a second to collect her thoughts. Bringing up the meaning of the rose was a sensitive topic, which brought a new but recognizable heaviness around Clarke.

The last time Clarke answered the girls question with another worked out terribly so she decided that it was only fair to answer honestly.

"Everyone needs someone who cares, as much as you think that you don't need anyone." Clarke cautiously lifted up her gaze and waited for a response.

She could see that what she had just said definitely struck a nerve causing Lexa to visibly shrink under her stare. The girl's shoulders seemed to sink in slightly before straightening while she continued to look at her feet.

"Caring too much only results in disappointment." Was all Lexa had said, her voice was steady but Clarke could hear the strain as well.

She didn't know how or when they started to talk about heavier subject matter, but for the first time ever, Clarke could hear genuineness in Lexa's voice.

"Caring too little might make you feel untouchable, but it isn't worth the loneliness you feel."

The two women had been talking for well over five minutes in the stillness of the change room, and seemed to lose track of time. Clarke had already finished changing and she would've already left if it weren't for the invisible pull she felt in her chest.

"I would rather care too little than care too much," Lexa drifted her eyes from the floor and flickered them towards the attentive girl watching her, "Loneliness is inescapable, we simply must learn to adapt."

Clarke was wringing her hands together listening to Lexa and blew a puff of air through her nose in frustration, "I'll stop you right there." She honestly didn't know what was fuelling her thoughts; they had barely talked before this.

Her legs moved on her own accord, and Clarke found herself taking careful steps towards the other side of the room.

A look of panic flashed through Lexa's eyes when Clarke began to take closer steps, she laced her fingers together and kept her pale-green eyes trained on her hands.

"No one needs to _adapt_ to isolation, we're not expected to get through life all by ourselves," Clarke was standing over Lexa now and wasn't able to stop the weight being pressed into her chest when she saw how small she looked, "At the end of the day we only have ourselves, but at the same time, it doesn't hurt to let someone in."

Clarke best expressed herself through physical contact, but she knew that other people didn't appreciate what she thought was simply a kind gesture. She pushed away the feeling of uncertainty and brought her hand to Lexa's shoulder and rested it there. Clarke had the intent to comfort but something inside her craved the closeness, convincing herself it was a platonic gesture.

The brunette flinched at the contact, it was subtle but Clarke felt her freeze when her hand met her shoulder. She couldn't help but relish in being able to be this close to Lexa, trying to be as tender as possible. After a few moments of silence between the two, Clarke felt Lexa lean in to the touch and sigh.

Clarke had focused her downward gaze towards Lexa's, silence calmly washing over them. She watched as Lexa parted her lips to blow out a breath of air, and that was when Clarke realized she was probably a lot closer than the girl wanted.

Even though Clarke's face was a lot higher since she was standing, she couldn't miss the smell of stale liquor pass through the air as Lexa exhaled.

Clarke began having a lot of difficulty distinguishing what the heaviness she felt in her chest meant and the warmth in her abdomen. She was slowly piecing together an internal revelation, her chest constricting with each passing thought. She let her hand tighten her grip around Lexa's shoulder, setting her jaw straight.

There was so much more Clarke needed to know, and she was willing to be there to listen, if she was given the chance. It was something about Lexa's eyes that drew her in, at first she saw a shallow stare but now she was able to find the depth. But it wasn't until she saw the girl let her guard down for the first time in front of Clarke, that she let herself get pulled in even more by an invisible tether.

If Clarke had any doubts about her feelings, this encounter with Lexa solidified at least a few things. It's unfair to expect anything more than friendship this early on, so she tried to focus on _Lexa_ and not the warmth she felt swirling in her abdomen. Clarke knows absolutely nothing about her but the idea of having even just a _chance_ made her chest feel a little lighter.

"We accept the love we think we deserve," Clarke felt the girls shoulders steadily raise and fall, and gave another light but supporting squeeze, "But sometimes we just need a little help to change the way we think about ourselves."

With that, Clarke pulled her hand back in to her side and immediately missed the contact, feeling a tingling feeling where her palm lay. She wasn't going to be the one who watched Lexa walk away again, so without another word she moved towards her gym bag and slung it over her shoulder.

Lexa released a breath she didn't realize she was holding, exhaling through her mouth and closed her eyes before opening them again. Green eyes blinked towards where Clarke had been picking up her things, watching in silence as she moved away from the lockers. She took notice of a crumpled piece of paper fall through Clarke's fingers and wondered what it was.

She found her legs moving towards the discarded object, bending over to pick up the small folded up piece of paper. It was ripped off from a corner of a page, small enough to fit in a few words. Lexa opened it and saw a delicately written script with ten digits and two other accompanying words below.

 _I'm here._


	3. you, my everything

_3 years ago, September 2012_

To say Lexa hugely disliked morning classes would've been a huge understatement, and if it weren't for coffee it would have been a bitch to get through. As much as she had a fondness for philosophy and literature in general, getting up at seven in the morning to make an eight o'clock class was plain brutal.

It was the first day of the semester starting grade ten and even though Lexa basically mastered the art of look of never looking unnerved, she felt her shoulders tense and her heartbeat pick up as she walked through the back doors. Lexa wasn't an anxious person; she refused to let herself believe that walking by groups of over-excited teenagers affected her in the slightest, even if her hands did start to tremble slightly in her jacket pockets.

 _You are not weak._

Keeping her head down, earphones playing a soft rhythmic tune that reverberated in her ears, Lexa immersed herself in the music and continued her brisk walk upstairs to her homeroom class.

Just walking through the masses of people standing around aimlessly in the hall was time-consuming; Lexa suppressed her annoyance every time she felt a shoulder or a backpack bump into her carelessly. Mindless chatter of summer vacation stories were heard over the music in her ears, and it made Lexa feel a pang of disappointment at what her own summer consisted of.

Her parents had told her the month before she finished grade nine that the three of them would be taking a month long vacation throughout Europe. The thought of leaving Boston for even just a month got her pulse racing, she wanted nothing more than to get away for just a little while, even if that meant being stuck with her parents.

Lexa already had contemplated building her life by herself somewhere in the UK, she wasn't sure where exactly, but she was still young and had plenty of time to think about it. Anything was better than the present and she longed to pack up everything and start afresh where no one knew her name.

A week before their departure out of the country, her parents told her in the middle of their usual silent dinner that they had to go without her. They told her that the trip was going to be very costly, and there were enough expenses for the both of them to cover without Lexa coming.

Lexa laughed bitterly especially at that part, her father was a chairman for a global marketing company who made more money than she could in her entire lifetime. He was barely at home, and when he was, she felt like a dead weight whenever she was around him. It made her think twice about whether she even considered him a father, and Lexa couldn't stop the growing hatred she had for the man.

For the remainder of her summer, she had been left alone in her three thousand square foot home with nothing but her own hollow and empty thoughts. She tried getting a summer job but since she was still only fifteen with no experience behind her, it came to little surprise that no one got back to her.

 _Do not rely on anybody except yourself_ , Lexa reminded herself.

It had been a few minutes after the morning bell had rung, the first day's announcements being read by overly joyous voices. Lexa couldn't figure out how people her age were so exuberant about life, it was hard to find anything that excited her anymore. She's so young and yet Lexa already feels like life is a pretty big fucking joke.

The upstairs hallway looked empty, most students filling up the classes, while a few stragglers hung around the lockers. Feeling slightly less agitated by the lack of people around; she let herself move her eyes upwards. With her hands still dug deep in her black leather jacket, she closed her eyes and inhaled through her nose before exhaling.

Lexa didn't care much for attendance, she wasn't uptight about her punctuality, but she rarely skipped. Plus it made slipping in the back of the classroom a lot easier, and Lexa preferred being away from the front.

She pulled out a folded up piece of paper from her pocket and saw _Rm. 214_ typed out in the timetable under her first period class. Lexa was mildly excited to be in a philosophy class, and hoped Mr. Miller wouldn't totally ruin it. Her fondness for literature helped in deciding to take the course, but she probably wouldn't admit it.

Walking in front of the door reading 214 beside it, Lexa forced down the lump in her throat, pushing the handle down and twisting it. There was a tanned middle aged man with a shaved head standing in front of a group of students sitting at the desks, his voice a little more cheery rather than the usual monotonous tone she was used to.

Lexa clicked the door shut quietly behind her, trying to keep her late arrival as less noticeable as possible. There was an empty desk in the back right corner of the room, and she tried to silence her footsteps as she walked towards it.

"Alright guys, so it looks like everyone who's in this class is more or less here, so when I call your name… Well you know what to do." The tall man with an olive skin complexion moved from the front and walked towards his desk at the front. He shuffled through sheets of papers before beginning to read out names and scrawling on a folder.

It wasn't hard for Lexa to tune out the mindless whispering coming from all around her, but listening to music definitely made it easier. She kept her hands folded in her lap, trying to glare back at the curious faces scanning the room, but instead found herself avoiding eye contact altogether.

The last names were nearing Lexa's and her heartbeat started to increase, and she felt herself getting uncomfortably warm. She hated this, feeling like she's losing all control of her physiological state in ordinary circumstances, it made no sense to her.

 _Stop being so weak._

"Lexa Grey?" The same gruff voice called out.

Her response was a bit delayed, she was having trouble with her thoughts but when Lexa heard her name again a little louder she answered.

"Lexa?" He had repeated once more.

The dark haired girl pushed her shoulders back slightly and raised her hand just above her head, clearing her throat, "Here."

It was hard not to recoil slightly in her chair when she saw unfamiliar faces turn themselves around to look for the voice just spoke out. Lexa curled her fists until her knuckles went white as she heard quiet laughter when they turned back around.

This wasn't anything new to Lexa; she didn't exactly fit in with the rest of the crowd that she grew up around. It hurt to know that people were going to be cruel to her most of her life, but that's mostly the reason why she refuses to let anyone get close enough, it only screwed her over. She had gotten accustomed to being by herself, and Lexa was perfectly content with the comfortable solitude it brought.

But in all honesty, she was wondering how much longer she would have to keep herself isolated. As much as she enjoyed being alone, the loneliness forced her to become an emotionless and callous shell of a person. She couldn't remember a time where she wasn't so stoically safeguarded; it was just her personality at this point.

Lexa had been unconsciously picking the skin near her fingers, a nervous habit she constantly tries to convince herself isn't a problem. It came to a point where the skin around her nails bled and became tender and raw. Her parents always chastise her about it, but she just tries to hide her hands now and avoids the unwanted confrontation.

In her peripherals, Lexa had saw the girl at the table beside her lean into her space, reddish hair curtaining her face, "They just have nothing better to do, really."

She wasn't sure if the words were directed towards her but when Lexa blinked towards the voice she saw the girl offering a soft smile. The girl had a fair complexion with wavy shoulder length hair, a deep shade of auburn and hazel eyes. She saw kindness in her facial features and Lexa could see how warm her eyes looked, the tension in her muscles started to dissipate.

 _Why is she even speaking to me?_

Lexa was used to being left alone, people would take one look at her and would be able to tell that she wasn't a friendly person. So when someone actually wants to have a conversation with her, Lexa's automatic response is to remain silent and disinterested, and that's why people have learned to keep their distance. Again, that's just how Lexa functioned; she had a reserved nature and kept to herself.

She thrives on isolation as a safeguard; as much as it looked poorly in other people's eyes, it brought her an irreplaceable sense of security.

Lexa figured that being the only child would mean that her parents would compensate for the loneliness of having no other siblings, and that made her spite them even more. More often than not did Lexa wish she were dead, she figured it would be less painful than having the only family in your life put you in a corner and forget about you.

She had seen how the girl shrank back into her seat, her eyes losing the shine they had when she first glanced over. Lexa usually didn't care about hurting other people's feelings but for the first time in a long time, she felt a twinge of guilt.

"People are cruel." Lexa had muttered, her eyes facing towards the front of the room.

The girl who had decidedly abandoned the conversation after being met with silence turned her head around, her lips twitching into a small smile.

"Hey, we're not _all_ that bad." The girl said, she sat in a relaxed position with her legs outstretched, hands clasped in front of her on the desk.

Lexa felt her tight lips relax until the sides of her mouth turned upwards; she couldn't stop herself from sparing another glance. The girl with reddish-brown hair was facing the front, her profile in view of Lexa. Something about her radiated comfort and ease, a sweet smile never leaving her face.

Whatever Lexa was feeling was new to her, for once she wasn't regretting exchanging a few words with a stranger. The restlessness she had walked into the classroom with was forgotten, she couldn't feel a weight being pressed down on her, and for that she was grateful.

The sound of an increasingly impatient group of students became apparent, as the chatter became louder Mr. Miller's voice began to get drowned out. Lexa stopped paying attention to the attendance being taken and took shy glances to the girl beside her whenever she could.

Growing annoyed himself, the teacher insured he was being listened to and spoke louder this time, "Kostia Summers?"

Lexa tried to focus on the figure speaking when her gaze shifted again, this time she saw the girl lifting up her hand with a little too much enthusiasm, "Here!"

What caught Lexa's attention more was the way _Kostia_ began to look at her when she thought the brunette wasn't looking. She tried to ignore the knots in her stomach when she saw the redhead push her hair behind her ears and glance over with a newfound pinkness in her cheeks.

"That's a lovely name," Lexa paused and looked at her with a smile before saying, "Kostia." It sounded more like she was trying not to forget it, rather than a polite comment.

"It sounds a lot better when you say it." She had a smirk on her face and looked at Lexa with a coy expression.

 _Is she flirting with me? No, that would be ridiculous._

Lexa felt her face heat up and she avoided the girl's stare, focusing on the man who had gotten up from his desk. Lexa doesn't _do_ nervous, she's cold hearted and apathetic or at least that's what people have been telling her most of her life. So why does it feel like one of the countless metaphorical walls she has built for herself is slowly collapsing around her?

"Learning all of your names is going to be a real treat, so please guys, make my life a little easier and stop talking." Mr. Miller spoke firmly and successfully got the classes attention.

Lexa broke out of the reverie she seemed to be in and trained her eyes to the front, ignoring the fluttery feeling in her abdomen.

"There is an assignment worth 35% of your final grade due at the end of the year, but you guys will have plenty of time to work on it till the deadline so don't freak out too much."

There were shouts of protest against the weight of the assignment, Lexa ignoring the pointless and whiney comments being thrown around by people in the room.

"I said don't freak out guys. Each of you will be paired up with someone so that the workload won't be too overwhelming. I wanted to get this part out of the way so that you guys know about it well in advance."

The idea of working with someone in this class full of people Lexa had zero interest in interacting with set her on edge. Well, there was Kostia but she only just met her so it's not like Lexa would be her first choice.

"Since some of you are new to the school or don't know each other, I thought it would be fair game to pick at random."

Lexa's shoulders tensed up and she felt the familiar feeling of dread creep into her. To say she hated group work, or working with anybody would be putting it mildly. She's been in too many situations where she ends up doing all of the work by herself only to be giving away her own credit to those who don't deserve it.

Mr. Miller had written everyone's name in the class on pieces of paper, and mixed them up in a fedora that somebody had given him to use. Instead of getting the entire room of students to go up one by one, he told them that he would pick the pairs himself.

He began pulling out names while looking the other way, announced the groups out loud and then wrote down each pair that got chosen.

She hated that something so trivial as choosing a partner for an assignment made her palms sweat, unaware of how her leg had been shaking anxiously.

"Lexa," At the sound of hearing her name, her breath hitched in her throat and she held her breath as he pulled out another name, "And Kostia."

 _What. The. Fuck._

Her eyes widened in disbelief at how slim the chances were of being paired with the one person she actually spoke to. The anxiety that was building inside Lexa started to diminish when she spared a glance towards Kostia.

She was immediately drawn to how the girl's eyes had lit up; Lexa didn't need to be any closer to her to see the effervescence in honey-gold irises. The sight of someone who looked so genuinely pleased to be around Lexa made it easy for her to return a sincere grin.

"This year just got a whole lot more interesting." Kostia murmured just loud enough for Lexa to hear, sending an inexplicable sensation down her spine.

* * *

So as it turns out, Lexa's life wasn't a total shit show, well it still was, but it was incredibly better than it had been before the school year started. Every part of her told her that it was fleeting because nothing good ever lasts when it comes to Lexa. She usually gave precedence to her instincts but Lexa seemed to be pulled into some sort of gravitational force, the cause being nothing more than a simple infatuation.

It had been five months since the two had first met in their first period class, and Lexa thinks she was just a hollow of a person until she met Kostia, void of any emotional attachment. But everything changed after they started spending quiet lunches together, enjoying being around each other in even the simplest of silences. That's what Lexa loved the most about her, she would be content just sitting near her even when she knew the brunette had nothing to say.

It had been two months since they had both shared their first kiss together, and Lexa wondered how it was possible for someone to have such addictive lips. Her heart raced whenever she thought about kissing Kostia and it reached a point where Lexa knew she was absolutely _fucked._

They were at Lexa's house while her parents were away (which was nothing new), sitting in the basement with their eyes trained on their laptop screens. Kostia had her legs crossed and propped up on the couch, while Lexa sat on the floor with her back against it. If she was being honest, she thought that Kostia used their assignment as an excuse to come over and spend time with her and never once could Lexa find it in herself to refuse.

Sitting on the floor with her legs outstretched, Lexa pressed her lips together as she typed into her keyboard, eyes never losing focus. It was quiet enough that she could hear the other side of the couch where Kostia had been sitting, creak as the weight against it lifted itself off. Lexa had been too concentrated on the search results she pulled up that she didn't hear the other girl walk over beside her.

She didn't say anything to Lexa, just knelt down beside her with her hands in her lap as she waited to meet forest-green eyes. Lexa felt movement brush against the side of her arm and she turned her head to see Kostia's less than a foot away from hers.

Her golden eyes were staring back at her with an underlying look of uncertainty behind them, with her bottom lip caught between her teeth. Lexa had a bemused expression and softened her eyes at how concerned the girl appeared to be.

"Kostia, wha-"

Lexa was abruptly cut off when she felt a hand behind her neck pull her in closer, her lips were parted about to speak when she felt warm lips cover her own in a gentle kiss. She didn't know how badly she needed this until Kostia had her fingers in her hair, Lexa mirroring her action, bringing their bodies closer together. They still had their lips pressed together, but Lexa really needed to get some air in her lungs so that she could think straight.

The dark haired girl pulled away, moving her hands out of Kostia's hair and onto her lap. Trying to control her ragged breaths, she saw in the corner of her eye the way Kostia immediately moved away from Lexa with wide eyes.

"God, I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry." Her voice was shaky and suddenly a lot more insecure than Lexa had ever heard it.

It didn't seem to occur to Lexa that she should have said something back; instead she stayed wordless in her spot, appearing to be in thought. Tension hung in the air between the two when neither one of them moved or said anything, their eyes suddenly a lot more concerned with their surroundings.

She smiles at the memory of how screwed she realized she was in that very moment. It should have felt like an awkward situation but that's what she liked the most about being around her, nothing felt forced or uncomfortable. Lexa recalled the intimate event in her mind when she remembered herself pick up the laptop off of her, getting up to crawl towards Kostia.

It was hard to forget the way her heart began to pound in her chest when she bent down and moved her legs so that her thighs were on either side of Kostia's. The look of unadulterated hopefulness that Lexa saw in those glowing hazel eyes brought her enough courage to bring both her hands to cup the sides of her face.

They ended up on the sofa tangled in each other's limbs, sharing tender caresses and affectionate pecks. It was the first night that Lexa fell asleep in someone's arms, and she swore to herself that it wouldn't be the last.

Lexa had never felt so sure about anything in her entire life until she met Kostia, then it was like everything began to align perfectly. If you asked Lexa what the fluttery feeling she felt in her stomach was, she would probably lie and say it was the nerves, definitely _not_ butterflies or anything.

* * *

 **Kos:** u coming over later tonight?

 **Me:** of course, i just need to go home first and get some stuff

 **Kos:** ok :) see you soon3

She wanted to type _i love you_ , but Lexa wasn't sure she was ready to say that out loud just yet. For once in her life, she feels like she actually has a purpose to stick around, for _Kostia._ She loves her, and it absolutely fucking terrifies Lexa.

Pushing down the lump in her throat, Lexa dug in the back pocket of her jeans to get her keys. She pulled them out and shoved it into the keyhole, turning it once she heard the familiar click of the door.

It was quiet, but that was nothing new to Lexa, getting back to a vacant house was routine for her. The sound of the sink running in the kitchen caught her attention, there were voices being stifled by the water. Instead of a comfort she should have felt there was apprehension.

She preferred it when no one was at home; Lexa was accustomed to living on her own while her parents sent her money to insure she was taken care of. It was laughable, but at the same time, pitiful that her mother and father used money as their form of non-committal _love._ Her family was a joke.

Closing the door behind her, Lexa slipped her shoes off and tried to walk quietly towards the stairs when a figure crept around the corner.

"Lexa, don't you know it's impolite to ignore greeting your parents?" She hated how her mother's voice was laced with a sickeningly sweet tone.

"Maybe I would be doing it more often if you were actually in the house once in a while." Lexa couldn't stop herself from replying back with a bite in her voice.

"Well we're here now. We were thinking of going out for dinner, me and your father have missed you dear."

It was only fair to scoff at that, "I'm going to Kostia's. You can go without me, like you usually do." Lexa spat, starting to walk forward.

"You should be spending time with us rather than wasting time with that girl." A gruff voice came from behind her mother, and Lexa stiffened her shoulders and pursed her lips when he came into view.

"The only thing I'm doing right now is wasting my time," Her voice became louder, pent up anger rising from her throat, "talking to parents who could give two shits about their daughter."

"Don't you dare talk to us like that, we give you everything and yet you still complain?" His voice sounded threatening and usually Lexa would cower at yelling directed towards her but she maintained her defensive stance.

This was getting a lot more heated than Lexa anticipated and she honestly didn't want to waste her breath. Her hands balled into fists at her sides and she steadied her breathing, trying to control the rage building inside.

"What you _do_ is leave for weeks, sometimes months and leave me alone in this place with nothing but a stack of cash, and you wonder why I can't stand to be around either of you?" She hissed and scoffed at how deluded they were.

Her mother tried to get a word in, usually being the one to try and smooth things over but Lexa just needed to leave.

"No, you know what? I'm just going to go." Lexa sighed impatiently and stuck her palm out to both of them, pausing before turning around towards the staircase.

There was no way Lexa wanted to stay here any longer than necessary, grabbing a bag and throwing in her overnight belongings. It was foolish of her to think her parents would ever change, she thought.

Having gotten everything she needed, Lexa closed her bedroom door behind her and made her way back downstairs.

She was a few feet away from the front door, when she saw her mother leaning against the wall with her arms crossed. Lexa walked until she was a few steps away from the door and stopped, keeping her eyes down.

"You can do better than her Lexa. You are too young to realize it, but she will break you." Lexa gritted her teeth, hiding a snarl, "And you know it too." She hated hearing the sincerity in her voice, the way it came out made Lexa's chest clench.

"I can't break if I'm already broken," It came out as a mumble but Lexa had a thoughtful look, "the difference is, she's fixing what you guys broke in the first place." With those words hanging in the air, Lexa walked to the door and opened it, slamming it on the way out.

It was about a twenty-minute walk to Kostia's place, Lexa's footsteps were hasty, the frustration brought on by her parents still weighing on her mind. She was too absentminded with her irritation that Lexa didn't notice her nails digging into her palms in her sweater pocket.

Coming into view of the row of townhouses on Kostia's street gave Lexa a nervous feeling in her stomach, no matter how hard she tried, it always came without fail. Pushing it down, Lexa smoothed down her curls slightly, set her jaw straight and pushed her shoulders back in a mechanical movement.

She was wearing one of her favorite hoodies with skinny jeans and a pair of slip-on Vans. If Lexa had to describe her current style, she would just say a lot of black and skate shoes, fashion wasn't on top on her list of priorities.

There weren't any cars parked on the driveway, Lexa becoming slightly relieved that she managed to avoid having to meet her parents yet again. The idea of meeting Kostia's parents who are apparently 'high class conservatives' made Lexa cringe whenever she thought about their daughter who was the polar opposite.

Walking up the stairs to the porch, she caught sight of the sign beside the door that read, "The Summers" in big block text with a border of a tacky countryside landscape. Lexa smirked at the decoration whenever she came by, remembering how Kostia went into detail about her strong distaste for it.

Avoiding all formalities, Lexa opened the front door and took a second to breathe in the smell of everything that reminded her of Kostia, her heartbeat starting to quicken. Discarding her shoes by the front, Lexa wasted no time before she climbed the stairs two at a time, towards the sound of music resonating from the top floor.

The door to her room was left ajar, and Lexa had to mentally prepare her nerves before she went any further. She had seen Kostia countless number of times, but every time still feels like the first and Lexa still gets that _gross_ tingly feeling in the pit of her abdomen. Again, not butterflies or anything, Lexa doesn't _do_ cheesy. She laughs through her nose at how wrong she knows she is, trying to keep her arrival unknown.

Finally gaining enough courage, Lexa pushed the door open and her eyes immediately found Kostia. She was lying with her stomach pressed on the bed, facing the headboard and leaning on her elbows with her phone in both hands. The music was fairly loud, enough to drown out the sound of Lexa dropping her bag to the floor and taking leisurely steps towards Kostia.

Lexa walked to the right side of the bed and grinned at how stealthy she felt, putting her weight on both of her arms to try and lean her head into the other girls. The brunette didn't notice the girl react, but when she craned her head around to kiss her, her lips were met with Kostia's cheek instead.

She tried to suppress the pang of hurt she felt when Kostia moved her head around to avoid her lips, but instead retracted herself off the bed to sit across from the girl on the end of the bed.

"Hey." Kostia said softly.

"Hi." Lexa replied meekly.

Kostia rolled onto her back to lean on her forearms facing Lexa, "You took a little while, did something come up?"

"My parents were home, giving me the usual shit when they get back." She always spoke in a monotone voice when talking about her parents, clenching her teeth at the memory.

Kostia just looked at her and mouthed an 'O' with her lips, moving her phone away to sit in an upright cross-legged position.

"We don't need to talk about it if you don't want to."

"I wasn't going to, plus it's not like you would understand." Lexa mocked.

"Don't be like that, you know you can talk to me about anything." A look of hurt flashed through Kostia's eyes and Lexa had to avert her gaze.

Lexa had been clamping her jaw, keeping her weary eyes downcast. She hated the way Kostia could unravel her with just a look, it made Lexa seethe to know someone had the power to make her feel so powerless.

When she returned her stare back to hazel eyes, she saw Kostia gesturing for her to lie beside her. Without a second thought, Lexa took a deep breath and exhaled, using all fours to crawl inside the space Kostia made for her.

She felt herself relax immediately into her side when Kostia brought her arm around to rest on Lexa's stomach. Lexa rested her head on Kostia's collarbone, closing her eyes and inhaling the sweet smell of vanilla on her skin. She started to gently caress the skin on Kostia's arm with her fingers, and hid a smile when she saw the tiny hairs start to stand on end like a chain reaction. Lexa could feel the steady heartbeat under her cheek speed up at the contact.

 _I make her nervous too. So I'm not just imagining this._

"What are we doing?" Lexa lifted her head slightly so that the words glided over Kostia's skin.

"Lying down?" She asked, starting to trace circles on the Lexa's back through her sweater absentmindedly, "Is this a trick question Lex?"

"No Kostia, I mean what are _we_ doing?" Lexa's voice was quieter this time.

The stillness of the room amplified after Lexa spoke, she felt Kostia's hand that was tracing circles on her back stop and her breath hitch. Lexa regretted bringing this up but it was eating her on the inside to have such a vague relationship and not talk about it.

"I'm not gay," Was all Kostia said, and she resumed the movement against Lexa's back, "I can't be."

Hearing those words, Lexa swiftly moved out of Kostia's hold to look at the girl, who had now folded her legs up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. What hurt Lexa the most, was the way it sounded more like Kostia was reassuring herself rather than stating it plainly.

Lexa sat at the end of the bed with her legs crossed, and had an incredulous look on her face, "So, what? Are we supposed to just pretend that there's nothing more to this?"

"There's nothing more to _this_ , Lexa. I don't see why it's suddenly a big deal now." Kostia replied stiffly, pressing a button on a remote to silence the room.

"Does that mean you make out with all your friends then?" Lexa shot back.

Kostia's mouth opened and closed again, trying to speak out but not saying anything. After realizing she had nothing to retaliate with, she exhaled dejectedly.

"That's what I thought." Lexa sighed and felt her entire body sink in with a heaviness.

"I like you Lexa. I like you so much, and it scares me," Kostia's voice was so small and barely audible, it sounded like a different person entirely. "But I can't do it. I can't give you more because I'm not ready, I don't think I'll ever be." Lexa remained silent but attentive as she saw Kostia's eyes become glossy.

"You kissed _me_ , remember?" The brunette offered quietly. She wanted so badly to just reach over and hold her, something ached inside of Lexa to take away the pain Kostia displayed on her face.

Kostia didn't say anything, just kept her eyes on her fingers as she fidgeted nervously in her place.

"My parents will disown me, they're all I have. You have to understand Lexa." She whispered.

Her eyes became hard and visibly darkened, a snarl escaping from her mouth," What is there to understand Kostia? I have _no_ parents as far as I'm concerned, I have _no one_."

Kostia closed her eyes and dropped her head, pinching the bridge of her nose as she took slow breaths.

The tension in the air hung between them both, nothing being said while green and hazel eyes darted around, avoiding each other's gaze. Lexa thought she was angry, it was a strange and unfamiliar feeling she had in her chest. It didn't make her hands tremble, nor did she have any desire to scream from her lungs, no it wasn't rage. It physically felt like her chest was throbbing, Lexa had never felt heartbreak in her life until now.

"You're all I have." She breathed out. Lexa felt her pulse race when her voice cracked, her chest silently heaving at the verbal proclamation.

She got up from the bed and retreated to the corner of the room where her bag was, leaning on the wall and lifting her legs to her chest. Lexa wrapped her hands around them, copying Kostia's position and rested her face in between her knees.

"No you don't get to say that Lexa, you know I can't ever leave you. That's not fair." Kostia finally replied with a defensive tone.

Lexa lifted her head and laughed bitterly, with her gaze fixed ahead. She moved her eyes, holding a cold stare and met Kostia's.

"What isn't fair is how selfish you're being. You're making it sound like you're the only one who has to make sacrifices," Lexa pressed her lips together, her voice breaking, "Just because my life already sucks, doesn't mean it can't get any worse."

The sound of muffled crying came from the other side of the room, catching Lexa's attention. Kostia had her face in her hands and silently wept, her body caving inwards. Lexa's chest ached for her and she found herself walking towards the crumpled figure on the bed.

Crawling back on the bed, Lexa was the one to wrap herself around Kostia and let the girl cry into her hair. Her croaky voice repeated apologies into Lexa's skin, clutching onto the girls clothing, trying to be as close as possible. Lexa just stroked the girl's auburn hair under her fingers, rubbing soothing circles on Kostia's back.

"Nothing has to change Kostia. I need you more than you need me," She whispered gently and rested her cheek on top of Kostia's head, "I'll be fine with whatever you want, just… don't leave." It felt like she was pleading, like holding on to her would mean she stayed.

Kostia mumbled incoherently into Lexa's hair, her cries becoming softer, and her heaving chest slowed. They sat like that until Kostia fell asleep in Lexa's arms, her crying replaced with rhythmic breathing and a steady heartbeat.

Lexa lay awake while Kostia slept soundly, not realizing she had been stroking copper hair for so long that her arm became numb. There was something so serene about the stillness of the room, she leaned her head back so it was resting against the headboard and inhaled deeply.

" _This is how the story went_

 _I met someone by accident_

 _Who blew me away, blew me away."_

Lexa felt herself singing in the quietness and closed her eyes, enjoying the way how naturally the words came out.

" _And it was in the darkest of my days_

 _When you took my sorrow and you took my pain_

 _And buried them away, buried them away."_

Singing about someone she deeply cared for was something she had never done in her entire life, but it felt so _right_ to Lexa. After hearing Kostia's take on the ambiguity of their relationship, it gave Lexa hope that she could finally move on but it didn't really feel physically possible.

" _But like everything I've ever known_

 _You'll disappear one day."_

The last note came out above a whisper, and Lexa opened her eyes and readjusted herself by putting space between them so that Kostia was lying on the pillow. Bringing herself in the same position, Lexa lay on her side with an arm underneath the pillow, Kostia's back toward her. She found herself watching the girl's shoulders steadily rise and fall, and brought her hand to carefully fiddle with the ends of her hair.

Being with her felt like breathing, it reminded Lexa that the constant feeling of her lungs constricting wasn't the only thing that mattered. She knew, deep down that whatever this was could only last so long before something went wrong.

 _It always does._

But she knew she had to make the most of the time she had with her, these intimate moments only confirmed how strong her feelings really are for Kostia. It wasn't exactly an ideal situation for Lexa to be in, but she already decided that she would have Kostia as nothing more than a friend rather than not at all.

* * *

It was a little weird but not totally out of character for Kostia to skip class, but Lexa convinced herself that she just wasn't up to it today, fair enough.

She was forty minutes into her third period class and knowing lunch was in half an hour made her impatiently shake her knee up and down.

It had been a little over a month since the _thing_ at Kostia's place went down, and Lexa thought nothing more of it. They started to spend less time together, but for obvious reasons of course, and Lexa understood. Kostia was grateful for the distance Lexa gave her; she could see it in her eyes when the brunette would catch her gaze from across the room.

They would slip into the same comfortable silences during lunch, sparing shy glances when the other wasn't looking and sharing genuine bouts of laughter. Things were okay.

If Lexa had been looking a little longer at Kostia, Lexa would be able to see her smile drop and her shoulders protrude inwards after she looked away.

What Lexa missed the most though was the feeling of someone else in the same bed as her; she craved intimacy but had to adjust to the inevitable loneliness. If she was being honest, she felt the safest when she was under the covers with Kostia's arm snaked around her waist.

She remembered the text that Kostia sent her last night and began to panic. Lexa went to bed early and forgot to check her phone when she got up. Making sure the teacher wasn't looking towards her, Lexa pulled her phone out of her pocket and went straight to her messages.

 **Kos** : lexa i think im going to do it

 **Kos** : u there? i said i think im going to tell my parents tmrw

 **Kos** : about you

 **Kos** : and us

Lexa felt her pulse race and her breath get caught in the back of her throat. She didn't even see all of the messages until now and she didn't try to hide the smile that appeared on her face.

 **Kos** : i think i love you lexa

The sound of other kids talking in the class started to fade away and the only thing Lexa could hear was her heartbeat ringing through her ears. She had to do a double take to make sure she was reading it correctly.

 _She loves me._

The last part is what distracted Lexa the most because Kostia said it out loud before she did, even though she felt the same way for a long time. The thought of Kostia skipping school today weighed on Lexa, she was going to tell her parents everything.

Lexa didn't have the chance to meet them before; their work schedules usually end up going well into the late hours of the night. From what Kostia told her though, things were most likely going to end badly, and Lexa needed to go see her.

Class just became her last concern on her list of priorities, and with that in mind, she tossed her notebook in her bag, picking it up and slid her chair back carelessly.

"Excuse me, where do you think you're going? We still have twenty minutes left Lexa."

The reality of walking straight out of class without any explanation didn't seem to register to Lexa in the moment, but she had somewhere to be. It's not like her parents would be made aware that she decided to get up and leave, she might as well be eighteen and make her own legal decisions.

She ignored the sounds of different voices calling to her as she made her way towards the back of the room. If you asked Lexa, it felt kind of liberating to stop overanalyzing for once and just do something without thinking about it too much. As she trudged through the empty hallways and finally out the back doors of the school, Lexa pulled her phone out and began to type.

 **Me:** im sorry i didn't reply

 **Me:** did u do it kos?

 **Me:** im coming right now, i just walked out of class

 **Me:** shit that felt good

 **Me:** ill be right over

 **Me:** and i love you too, so much

Lexa couldn't get the image of a smiling Kostia out of her mind, this was everything she wanted and it was hard to believe that for once, things were working out. She wishes she could have gone back in time and taken back everything she said in anger if she knew that everything would be all right.

But the past was in the past, and Lexa could only focus on _now_ and just getting to Kostia. Her body tensed in the best possible way when she thought about finally getting to reconnect with somebody and it only made her heart rate accelerate.

The physical part of their relationship stopped after their talk, both of them agreeing that it would only complicate things further. It made sense with all things considered. Lexa didn't know how she was getting by, but the only thing that fuelled her right now was the fact that she could kiss Kostia now without holding anything back.

With that thought fresh in her mind, Lexa's brisk walk turned into a light jog as she neared the corner of her street. She caught sight of the familiar townhome and ignored her bag slamming against her back as she sprinted towards it.

Reaching the front porch, Lexa assumed that the door would be open and pressed the handle down. It didn't budge and she stood confused for a second with narrowed eyes. It was usually left open when Kostia was at home but she wasn't about to waste more time and question as to why it was locked.

Remembering where she left a spare key, Lexa stepped off the doormat and bent down to lift it up the corner. A small silver key had been placed underneath in the middle but she stopped her movements. There was a neatly folded piece of paper lying directly beside the key, and Lexa furrowed her brow, staring at it with a puzzled look.

Lexa picked up the folded paper and the key, dropping the mat back down. She slipped the key into her pocket and examined the paper. She was genuinely confused, not expecting to be so caught off guard as she was. As she unfolded it, Lexa took note of the handwritten text covering the entire page.

Lexa held her breath and felt a shiver jolt through her body as she began reading the jarringly familiar handwriting.

 _Lexa,_

 _I figured you'd be the first one to show up; you've always been like that._

 _Isn't it strange? We've only known each other for like 6 months yet it felt like so much more than that, you added a depth and colour to my life that I didn't even know existed. Thank you for being a light in my life, even though you'll never believe me._

 _You weren't supposed to happen Lexa, things weren't supposed to go like this. Grade 10 wasn't meant to be the year I lost my mind, not this early at least. I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, I never asked for any of this. But I was selfish and kept you close to me even though I knew how toxic you were to me, and it only made things harder._

 _You're toxic Lexa, and whenever I'm around you it feels like I'm suffocating. Somehow everything I own smells of you and it's a constant reminder of how much I want you, but I'll never have you._

 _I'm sorry for being a coward Lexa. I'm sorry I couldn't just be brave and tell my parents. Why couldn't things be different? I couldn't even tell my parents that I love a girl because I'm too scared of what would happen; I'm such a coward._

 _I tried so hard to stay away from you, I really did. But in doing that, I just realized that if I can't have you then it's not worth tearing myself apart watching you try and keep your distance. God, Lexa Grey you were the best thing that ever happened to me and also the worst fucking thing._

 _It's not worth waking up if it isn't with you. I love you, I'm sorry._

 _Yours (always),_

 _Kostia_

Dropping the loose sheet of paper, Lexa haphazardly picked up the doormat and grabbed the key, her mind running on pure instinct.

 _This is just a sick joke. What the fuck?_

She fumbled with the key in her pocket and dropped it, cursing under her breath as she tried to control her trembling fingers.

"Fuck. Okay."

Picking it up, Lexa jammed it inside the keyhole with a fervor she hadn't ever experienced. The lock inside clicked opened and Lexa threw her bag from over her shoulder onto the ground and felt her head spinning as she ran to the stairs.

Her vision became blurry with unshed tears and Lexa felt a painful pressure on her torso, it felt like her heart was about to fall out of her chest.

"Kostia! Where the fuck are you?" She didn't try to keep her voice down and screamed, eventually hearing the echo of her own voice bounce off the walls.

Wasting no time, Lexa climbed the stairs two at a time and tripped halfway up, ignoring the sharp pain she felt from hitting her knee on the hardwood. She grabbed the handrail and pulled herself up, resuming her pace.

When she got up onto the second floor, breathing heavily, Lexa saw the door to Kostia's room closed shut and she ran.

Pulling the door handle with an unanticipated force, she stood at the doorframe and felt her knees buckle from underneath of her, a sob escaping from her lips. She covered her mouth with her quivering hands, tears beginning to fall freely and Lexa started to weep uncontrollably.

In the middle of the room where the ceiling fan was, Lexa saw Kostia's limp body dangling underneath the fixture. A long cord of wire had been tied around her neck, her body swaying slightly in a circular motion.

Lexa wailed and couldn't stop herself from clutching at her face, she screamed painfully into the stillness of the room. She felt the air around her dissipate through her lungs and she began to hyperventilate as she felt herself start to suffocate.

With tear stained cheeks, Lexa picked up her crumpled body from the floor and sobbed while she walked towards Kostia hanging motionless. She continued to bawl when she came closer to see Kostia's lifeless eyes open slightly, the hollow look making Lexa's heart constrict excruciatingly. The blood vessels in her eyes had burst and all that was visible was her hazel coloured iris bordered by crimson.

"Why couldn't you just stay strong for me?" Lexa choked through her sobs, her knees were weak but she managed to keep herself steady as she tried to untangle the wire from the ceiling fixture, "You didn't even _try_."

Her fingers trembled around the cord around Kostia's neck, struggling to pull it off as gently as possible with her shaking hands. Lexa managed to loosen the noose as she grabbed Kostia's waist, lifting her head out and keeping her body close to hers. The weight of Kostia made Lexa struggle to keep herself upright, and she felt her knees buckling again, making sure to gently lay Kostia on the ground.

 _What did I do to deserve this?_

Lexa couldn't stop crying, her entire body felt shattered and it was hard to get steady breaths in while she wept. She had Kostia's head in her lap, and she moved her fingers over her eyelids so that they were shut. Her tears started to fall on the redhead's unnaturally pale face and Lexa rubbed her thumb over the droplets.

"Fuck you for giving up, you ended everything before it even began." Lexa rasped.

She started stroking Kostia's hair tenderly while rocking herself back and forth. Her voice was quaking and her head throbbed as her silent cries echoed in the empty bedroom. Lexa's voice was shaky as she started to quietly sing through her tears, her hand continuing the soothing motion against Kostia's hair.

" _Hello, hello_

 _Anybody out there? Cause I don't hear a sound."_

Lexa moved so that her forehead was leaning on Kostia's and shut her eyes as her chest struggled for breath in between her gasps for air. She couldn't focus on anything but her ragged breathing and irregular heartbeat, her entire body just felt numb. It felt like the heaviness in her chest would never pass, and Lexa felt so emotionally and physically drained that she couldn't bring herself to move.

" _Sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm alright_

 _But it's never enough."_

Her voice was barely above a whisper, her lips grazing the top of Kostia's forehead as she murmured familiar lyrics. The sheer exhaustion from her body wracked from sobs left a vacant feeling in her torso, the hollowness in her chest made it hard for her to breathe properly.

" _Cause my echo, is the only voice coming back_

 _Shadow, is the only friend that I have."_

With tears still rolling down her face, she squeezed her eyes and before pressing a delicate kiss to the skin beneath her lips. Lexa winced at the coldness of her skin and felt her throat's airway closing up.

She felt weary from the sobbing, her entire being was left feeling cold and detached from herself. It was like Lexa was looking down on herself from above, dissociating from the pain of seeing her first love lying lifeless in her arms.

 _It should have been me. I'm nothing._

Lexa was broken and she knew there was nothing that could fix the unbearable pain that replaced Kostia's memory. Something inside of Lexa died with her and it felt like she had been thrown headfirst into a bottomless pit of desolation.

Kostia was _everything_ and now she's gone. For the first time in Lexa's life she was genuinely happy with where she was and it only took five minutes for her entire world to crumble right in front of her.

Maybe her father was right.

" _Love is weakness, Lexa."_

Maybe she should have believed him. Lexa should've known better because in the end, nothing good ever lasts when it comes to her.


End file.
